For the LOVE of......pancakes?

LOVE

I meant to post this yesterday, but I was enjoying my day of love with my two sweethearts. As the day was going on I couldn't help but ponder 'What is love?'. Well, I decided to see what the world describes love as.....just for fun.

The dictionary describes it as:

"strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child>
affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> an assurance of affection <give her my love> warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea> the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration<baseball was his first love> a person's adoration of God." 

It went on for a little while and there were plenty more 'adult-ish' definitions, but I won't get into those.....hello, young folks read this too! Then it gave some examples of love:

1. Children need unconditional love from their parents.
2. He was just a lonely man looking for love.     <--------insert small chuckle
3. Mr. Brown seems to imply that when he retired he relinquished her love as casually as he dispensed with her secretarial services. —Ken Follett, New York Times Book Review, 27 Dec. 1987

I then traveled over to the thesaurus. Other words that were used to describe love:

adulation, affection, amity, amour, appreciation, ardor, attachement, crush, delight, devotedness, emotion, enchantment, enjoyment, fervor, fidelity, flame, fondness, friendship, inclination, infatuation, involvement, like, rapture, respect, sentiment, weakness, worship, yearning, zeal

Next, out of pure curiosity, I asked Google, "What is love". Note to self, don't ask Google what love is....... I decided to check some social networks that I belong to. I was curious to see how people were reacting to Valentines Day. Of course there is the typical excitement of the day; flowers being delivered, chocolates, candies, and other things that will not be mentioned. Pictures being posted left and right of folks Valentines treasures (not gonna lie......at the end of the day I was tired of seeing flowers). Then there were the 'Scrooges of V-Day'. I love reading the 'anti- V-Day' statuses. Of course, it got me thinking. Why do people hate Valentines Day? Its the day of celebrating love, right? Most of the scrooge statues came from those who unfortunately (but maybe not unfortunate?) didn't have a 'special someone' to celebrate it with......okay, no surprise there (but let me make clear that not ALL non-couple folks fall into this hatred of the day of love). But then there were the others who HAD a loved one (spouse, significant other, etc) to celebrate the day of looooooove with. So why were they despising it? I decided on a few reasons: 1. Their S/O wasn't there to celebrate the day with (working, drunk, playing X-Box, etc) 2. Their S/O always forgets Valentines Day or thinks it a waste of February space, so therefore no flowers and chocolates and whatnot 3. They spend too much time drooling over what others had received for Valentines Day and became hostile to their S/O for sucking at gift ideas and demanding them to return the loofa and bath salts 4. Something happened when they were younger on Valentines Day and they haven't been able to get it over it since ( i.e. Jenny was in love with Roger and thought Roger loved Jenny, but Roger gave Cindy a Valentine Card in the 3rd grade that stated, 'You ROCK Valentine!' with some conversation hearts that said 'Be Mine' 'Call Me' 'I luv u'. Tragic.) 5. They are just straight up TOO COOL for such a holiday 6. Lastly, they don't believe that you should only show someone you love them ONE day out of 365 days. Because, who does that? I'm not sure if I know anyone who only loves one day out of the year........scratch that......my cat, but her day of love is usually Christmas when she runs up and down my tree, knocking down ornaments, and pulling down stockings. So, how do you change the mind of a Valentine scrooge...... You introduce them to pink-heart shaped GLUTEN-FREE pancakes. Problem solved. The Worlds Easiest & Yummiest *GLUTEN-FREE* Pancakes I think the saying is "You crave what you can't have"......okay, maybe I just made that up, but I can tell you that I have been craving waffles and pancakes ever since I was diagnosed with CD. I searched high and low in many, many stores for a gluten-free pancake mix. Including those fancy swanky 'earthy-organic' stores and to my luck I either couldn't find a gluten-free pancake mix or it was WAY to expensive. I began searching on the internet to try to find a recipe that I could put together. By the fourth or fifth recipe I found myself starting to hit the keyboard keys harder with my fingers. It was so frustrating! I couldn't find a recipe that included ingredients that I already had in my house. There are so many different flours that go into a gluten-free meal (many of those I don't have yet....again, expensive!) and many, many other ingredients that I didn't have and didn't feel like going on the search for around town. As I begin searching through my kitchen for another Valentines dinner idea I spotted this my Betty Crocker's Gluten-Free Yellow Cake Mix. The light bulb in my head went crazy and I was desperate. Could I make pancakes out of cake mix? HECK YES I CAN! Its pretty simple to make. Just follow the cooking and recipe instructions on the back of the box.  ** I did switched around a few things. Instead of adding water (like the recipe calls for) I used milk instead. I also added about 1-2 teaspoons of corn starch (just to make sure they'd be fluffy) & red food dye, of course! You mix all of the ingredients together and cook them like you would any normal pancake and BAM! you have yourself some delicious gluten-free pancakes.

  

Mmmmmm....

If you have picky pancake eaters like I do, try making 'mini pancakes' or what we call them in my house 'finger foods'. Miss A will not eat pancakes, but she ate the mini ones that she could dip in her syrup. Success!

'Hmmm, not sure about this'....

'Okay, here it goes"....

'Thumbs up MOM!'

YUM! Don't they look delicious!?

And just in case you're sick of looking at pictures of flowers......

You can look at mine Ü

Now go enjoy your easy peasy gluten-free pancakes! Write me and let me know if you tried out the recipe! Have a good weekend!

What is CD or Gluten Intolerance

Growing up I never ran into problems with certain foods. I could eat anything I wanted. Around 4 or 5 months after Miss A was born I started noticing changes in my bowel movements (ewww) and was having really intense stomach pains. One night specifically I remember taking a trip to the ER. I thought I was dying. Seriously, dying. I thought my stomach, at any moment, was going to explode all over the waiting room. I have never had stomach pain EVER like that in my life. After a few hours of sitting in the lovely, cold ER waiting room, I was called back. The diagnosis.......gas. Trust me, Ive had gas before, and I could have promised that ER doctor that it was not gas. She referred me to a gastroenterologist doctor to do some further testing into my "gas" problem. 

After seeing the "Gas Doctor" and jotting down some family history (we have a lot of bowel issues in my family tree) she decided it was best to do a Colonoscopy. Can I just tell you how AWWWFUL the prep was for the colonoscopy?! At the time we were on state insurance because Josh was in school full time and I was staying at home with Miss A (so we pretty much ate dirt for dinner). So due to having state insurance I was given the worst possible colonoscopy prep drink. They gave it to me in a GALLON jug. It looked like water. I thought, "huh, this shouldn't be too bad". Oh, was I EVER so wrong. It tasted like I was drinking liquid metal, mixed with gasoline and urine. I was suppose to drink the entire gallon in less than 8-10 hours. For most of the day I sat in the bathroom, hugging the toilet and a bowl (for throwing up in). That day was worse than labor pains. 

The next morning was the colonoscopy. Im back in the pre-op room when the nurse asks me, "Hun, did you finish ALL of your liquid drink?" I kindly replied, "Ma'am, have you ever had to drink it yourself? No, no I did NOT finish ALL of that nasty drink, and if they still find poop in my digestive tract, I don't give a crap - no pun intended". She nodded, left the room, and came back with my IV. 

The procedure itself was not bad at all. I was knocked out (all though I do remember seeing images of my bowel here and there on the TV screen, but don't recall any pain or anything else) and 30 minutes later I was in the recovery room. I don't remember much there. Josh states that I kept repeating over and over and over again, "MY BUTT IS WET! MY BUTT IS WET!! MY BUTT IS WET!!!" Someone finally came in and gave me a towel. Lovely, huh?

A few days later I met up again with the gastroenterologist. The diagnosis........Lactose Intolerant. Oooooookay. So from now on I couldn't eat anything with lactose in it. So yes, cheese, milk, ice cream, yogurt, cheesecake, etc. You get the picture. HELLO!!! I live off dairy! It was quite the change. After going off lactose almost completely (come on, you think I could live without ice-cream?!) I started feeling better, but not ever completely. I still had constant stomach pains and irregular bowel changes for a few years after. My sweet hubby couldn't even put his arm around my stomach at night because it was so uncomfortable and painful for me. Miss A couldn't lay on her mommas stomach either. 

Now in modern day.....

I was seeing my family doctor for a yearly checkup. He just did the regular stuff, you know the blood pressure, pulse, listening to heart and lungs.....that kind of stuff. He then had me lie down and began pressing on my stomach. For a split second I thought about ripping his eyes out. AAhhhHHhHH......GOSH, it hurt! I explained that I was lactose intolerant and that my stomach was in pain all the time and if he was smart he'd better stop pressing on my stomach or he'd push out a fart (yes, I said fart). He said he wanted to see me in two months and we'd discuss some things.

Fast forward to mid-January (this year).....

Im at my doctor appointment. Once again he does a check up and once again presses on my guts. Yes, yes doctor they still hurt. He began asking me about my diet. "Do you eat a lot of breads and pastas?"........."Ummm, YES! I live off that stuff." - I replied. He then explained to me that it sounded as though I had a gluten intolerance and needed to go on a gluten free diet right away. He was concerned that I had been feeling this way for over four years. He ordered some blood tests to check for the antibody. He explained that a high percentage of people who are diagnosed with CD don't have the antibody appear in their blood. My test came back negative. He called to tell me to continue my gluten free diet and that THAT would be the true test. I've now been gluten free for about 4 weeks. I've never felt better. My bowels feel healthy. The majority of my pain has subsided. 

I later learned that lactose intolerance is secondary to CD. Its believed that I was misdiagnosed four years ago. Since a colonoscopy is only done in your lower intestines and checking for CD is done in your smaller intestines, it was missed. It also common to have a sibling or siblings with Colitis (click here to learn about Colitis). My sister has colitis. There were many signs out there that would have led to a sooner diagnosis IF we would have known what to look for and that CD was a possibility. 

It has been quite an adventure learning what I can and cannot eat. It has led to a MUCH healthier diet. Lots of fruits and veggies. Potatoes. Corn. Rice. Josh has been very supportive. He and Miss A have even joined me in eating a gluten free diet........well, they mostly have. Miss A can not live without her Kraft 'Homestyle Mac and Cheese'. I had a lot of help from others as well. So my change wasn't as difficult as it may have been. 

Down below I have put together some information about CD and gluten intolerance. It is becoming more and more common because doctors are looking at the signs and testing. If you feel that you or someone you know may have it, please read further. If needed, don't be afraid to make an appointment with your doctor. (Some words will have a '*' next to it, this is indicating the sign and symptoms I personally had).  

Celiac Disease or Gluten Intolerance

"Celiac Disease is a digestive condition triggered by consumption of the protein gluten, which is primarily found in bread, pasta, cookies, pizza crust and many other foods containing wheat, barley or rye. People with celiac disease who eat foods containing gluten experience an immune reaction in their small intestines, causing damage to the inner surface of the small intestine and an inability to absorb certain nutrients.

Celiac disease can cause abdominal pain and diarrhea. Eventually, the decreased absorption of nutrients (malabsorption) that occurs with celiac disease can cause vitamin deficiencies that deprive your brain, peripheral nervous system, bones, liver and other organs of vital nourishment.

No treatment can cure celiac disease. However, you can effectively manage celiac disease by changing your diet."

What are the symptoms?

There are no typical signs and symptoms of celiac disease. Most people with the disease have general complaints, such as:

• Intermittent diarrhea
• Abdominal pain *
• Bloating *

Sometimes people with celiac disease may have no gastrointestinal symptoms at all. Celiac disease symptoms can also mimic those of other conditions, such as irritable bowel syndrome, gastric ulcers, Crohn's disease, parasite infections and anemia.

Celiac disease may also present itself in less obvious ways, including:

• Irritability or depression *
• Anemia
• Stomach upset *
• Joint pain
• Muscle cramps *
• Skin rash
• Mouth sores
• Dental and bone disorders (such as osteoporosis)
• Tingling in the legs and feet (neuropathy)* - I had tingling and numbness in my hands and fingertips

Some indications of malabsorption of nutrients that may result from celiac disease include:

• Weight loss
• Diarrhea
• Abdominal cramps, gas and bloating *
• General weakness and fatigue *
• Foul-smelling or grayish stools that may be fatty or oily
• Stunted growth (in children)
• Osteoporosis

What is the cause?

The cause of CD is still unknown to doctors. They do know that CD or gluten intolerance usually run in families. "Researchers have discovered that some gene mutations seem to increase the risk of celiac disease, but having those gene mutations doesn't mean you're certain to have celiac disease. This means that other risk factors play a role in whether you'll develop celiac disease."

What are the complications of CD?

• Malnutrition. 
• Loss of calcium and bone density. 
• Lactose intolerance. 
• Cancer. (usually bowel related)
• Neurological complications. 

Tests and Diagnosis:

"Tests and procedures used to diagnose celiac disease include:

• Blood tests. Blood tests can detect higher than normal levels of certain antibodies (anti-endomysium and anti-tissue transglutaminase) in people with celiac disease. Antibodies are specialized proteins that are part of your immune system and work to eliminate foreign substances in your body. In people with celiac disease, their immune systems may be recognizing gluten as a foreign substance and producing elevated levels of antibodies to get rid of it.
• Collecting a sample of small intestine for testing. To confirm the diagnosis, your doctor may want to examine a small portion of intestinal tissue to check for damage to the villi. To do this, your doctor inserts a thin, flexible tube (endoscope) through your mouth, esophagus and stomach into your small intestine and takes a sample of intestinal tissue to examine under a microscope.
• Swallowing a camera pill that collects pictures of the small intestine. In some cases your doctor may want to examine the entire small intestine with a capsule endoscopy. This procedure involves swallowing a pill-sized capsule that contains a tiny camera. As the camera travels through your digestive tract, it takes thousands of images and sends them to a recorder you wear on a belt. Your doctor reviews the pictures to see the inside of your small intestine. The capsule leaves your body in your stool and can be flushed down the toilet.

Some people try a gluten-free diet on their own, to see if that helps relieve their signs and symptoms. But doing so may change the results of blood tests so that they appear to be normal. So see your doctor for testing first, before you try a gluten-free diet."

Treatments and Drugs:

"Celiac disease has no cure, but you can effectively manage the disease through changing your diet.

Changes to your diet to avoid gluten
To manage the disease and prevent complications, it's crucial that you avoid all foods that contain gluten, including:

• Barley
• Bulgur
• Durum
• Farina
• Graham flour
• Rye
• Semolina
• Spelt (a form of wheat)
• Triticale
• Wheat

Vitamin supplements to combat malnutrition If your nutritional deficiencies are severe, you may need to take vitamin and mineral supplements recommended by your doctor or dietitian to help correct these deficiencies. Your doctor may recommend supplements to increase your levels of:"

• Calcium
• Folate
• Iron
• Vitamin B-12
• Vitamin D
• Vitamin K

(Click HERE for foods to avoid and allowed food ideas)

(All quoted sentences and paragraphs are information provided by MayoClinic.com)

My plan is to post gluten free recipes and/or gluten free food ideas frequently. Even if you don't need to eat gluten free you can still try these recipes! Have a good weekend!

Our Story

The Tale of Two Love Birds

Once
           upon
                      a
                           time.....


Eh, sorry, this is not a fairy tale. This is life. You're about to embark on an adventure with me. I like to think that Im an honest person. Honest with my doings, my speech, my thoughts. So my stories I write will be that, honest. Its all starts with a tall, handsome man and a stray woman.....


Almost seven years ago exactly, there I was, a distracted, wayward, single gal trying my best to figure out life. I was lost momentarily and wasn't sure if I'd ever figure out who I was or what God had in store for me. A close friend of mine had tried notably hard to convinced me to start attending my church again, regularly. I was hesitant and stubborn. I hadn't prayed or even stepped into a church for over two years. I wasn't proud of my life and wondered if God had felt the same about me. One morning, quickly after I awoke, I had a strange and very clear thought and feeling.......

it was time

Time to get my life straight. Time to let go of my selfish ways. Time to have God in my life again. 

But would God have me back?         

I set up a meeting with my Bishop. I cried almost the entire hour and a half meeting. My mascara was gone. My contacts were suction cupped to my eyes and they were almost swollen completely shut. Snot  was dripping down my face like a broken faucet. I was A MESS. My Bishop placed his arms around me and told me that my Father in Heaven loved me, He was proud of me, and He's been awaiting my return. That was it, that was all I needed to hear. After that I was willing to put forth the effort needed in order for me to have good standing in my church again. No one judged me, they loved me. 

Now, fast forward two weeks......

Every Sunday in my singles ward (church gathering) our Bishop would hold a Sunday Prayer in the evening. Anyone was welcomed to come. This was usually the time when new people would introduce themselves (AKA = stalking the single people). My girlfriends and I decided to go. We had heard that a new guy was there (<------insert 'tall, handsome man'). He was attending BYU and UVU getting his Bachelors degree in Neuroscience in hopes to be accepted into medical school, and BONUS......he drove a truck. I remember one of my girlfriends announcing, "He's mine! Whoever he is, I call dibs!" I couldn't help but giggle and hoped that he looked like Mutt (Shania Twains old flame), so I could laugh at my friend and encourage a fast engagement. 

We arrive at church and walk into the room. As soon as I walked in my eyes met his and I instantly got butterflies. I knew he was the 'new guy' and I knew there was NO WAY my friend was calling dibs on him. Even if I had to knock her out and send her to the hospital, there was no way she was getting to him first. He stood up and introduced himself, "Hi, Im Josh Bentley.....". Bentley, that has a nice ring to it. He continued on and sat down and our prayer meeting began. It couldn't of ended fast enough. As soon as we closed in prayer and helped pick up the chairs, my girlfriend was out the door and off to meet Mr. Bentley. To try not to seem like a scavenger I slowly made my way over. Fighting off the urge to shove my friend out the door. I smiled, he smiled. He seemed shy. We all didn't talk long. He had to go home to study. As we were driving back home to our small two bedroom apartment my girlfriend wouldn't stop talking about Mr. B and how she thought he was so cute and was going to be rich, Rich, RICH one day. I let her continue talking. I knew I'd marry that man, one day. 

Fast forward two weeks......

Long story short, he FINALLY asked me out on a date. I say finally like it was a century, IT WAS, or at least it felt that way. His friend convinced him to ask me out. Gosh, I know, 'convinced'. Lets poor the salt in the wound people. Come to find out he was/is terribly shy and didn't know if he had the courage to ask me out. Awwwwww! Anyways, we had a wonderful first date. We went on a triple date with his two roommates and their dates. They took us miniature golfing (which I kicked butt at) and then back to their apartment for a homemade meal that THEY had prepared (already a keeper in my book). After dinner we all decided to watch a movie. We all sat on the floor or the couch and began watching. I made it probably 20 minutes into the movie and I passed out, cold. When the movie was over, the lights flicked on and there I was, sleeping. On Josh's shoulder, drooling. So much for a first impression! Josh drove me home. I thanked him for the date and walked inside wondering if he'd ever WANT to ask me out again. Much to my surprise he called me the next day. The drool must not have stained his shirt. We continued dating and quickly fell in love.

Three months after dating, Josh popped the question Mothers Day weekend. It was perfect, beautiful. He took me down to Southern Utah to spend some time with his parents. Well, that's what the trip was suppose to be for. On Saturday morning he took me golfing with his dad (smart guy, bringing his dad along so I wouldn't be suspicious). I remember Josh totally stinking at golf that day. He is normally a VERY good golfer. Maybe he was having an off day, I thought. We then drove over to Zion's National Park where we were going to meet his grandparents for dinner at a lovely restaurant right in the heart of the Park. It was beautiful. If you haven't seen Zion's National Park, it needs to go on the bucket list. Its a nice reminder how wonderful and powerful God is. We arrived at the restaurant. His parents let us know that his grandparents haven't quite arrived yet and that we should go 'enjoy the scenery'. Okay, if you say so. Josh took my hand and led me over a bridge. I remember the water lightly flowing over the smooth rocks. The trees, ground, and shrubbery were all green and magnificent. Flowers were bloomed and lovely. We walked a little more when I noticed there was a cute little wooden gazebo all dazzled and decorated up, but no one was occupying it. I commented to Josh, "Well thats really weird and stupid and they have it all set up and no one is using it." Josh just smiled and we started walking back over to the bridge. He stopped in the middle of the bridge and was looking over the edge at the water. He turned and hugged me. I could hear and feel his heart beating....no, no, RACING. I thought either this man is about to have a heart attack or something is about to happen. Turns out, it was both. He dropped on one knee and asked me to be his wife. I didn't say anything. No words would come out. I wanted to jump up and down and scream YES! but I was paralyzed (<-----insert Josh's heart attack). Finally after about 5-10 looooooooong seconds and me mumbling 'Ummmmm......UMMMMMM....UUmmmmMMmmm',........... I said yes Ü The ring was perfect. I was shaking so bad Im surprised he was able to put it on. It fit like a glove. After lots of hugging and smooching (duh) Josh took my hand and we started walking back toward were the gazebo was. It took me a second to realize it was for US! This stupid, adorably set up random, out in the middle of nowhere gazebo, wasn't so stupid anymore. It was immaculate. We had dinner, all by ourselves, in the middle of Zion's Canyon. Dinner was amazing, but I could hardly eat any of it. I was too excited!! We finished the day off by seeing a play/musical with his parents and grandparents. When we arrived back at Josh's parents home there was a gorgeous vase filled with two dozen red roses.

We were married three months later on the 25th of August in the Salt Lake City Mormon Temple. That day was paradisiacal. I couldn't believe I was marrying the man that I loved so much. I remember being in the sealing room with most of our family and friends and only seeing him. Everything else was a blur. We spent the day with our family and friends and each other. I was so happy. He was so happy. We were beginning to begin our journey as a couple.

Fast forward five months.......

If you haven't quite figured it out, when your a Mormon on 'Mormon Time' (like I like to call it), everything happens quickly. Especially marriage and babies. The marriage had already quickly happened, now the babies. In March of 07' I peed on one of those lovely pregnancy pee sticks. It was positive. I couldn't believe it. I was going to be a mother! I was over whelmed with excitement, tears, and fears. I ran out of the bathroom and showed Josh. We hugged. We were both excited, nervous, young, and naive. I was 21 and Josh was almost 23. A few weeks go by. Im at work (I was a teller at a local Credit Union) when suddenly I feel cramping. Not knowing too much about being pregnant I passed it off as gas or upset stomach. No more than 10 minutes later it feels like Ive slightly peed myself. "Im an adult!", I think to myself, "why did I just pee in my pants!". I excuse myself to go to the restroom. When I pull my slacks down I saw something that I was never expecting. I instantly stopped breathing. Is this really happening? Tears started pouring out of my eyes faster than they can make them. Why God why?! Why are you doing this to me?! I was having a miscarriage at 7 weeks. I didn't even realize how long I have been laying on the bathroom floor at work until I heard a knock on the door. "Darci, are you okay?". It was one of my co-workers. I opened the door to the single bathroom and told her what was happening. I could hardly speak. My heart was broken. She helped me clean up my face and helped me up off the floor. She put my money drawer away, gave me my keys, and told me to go home. I drove home, crying the whole way. I didn't want to call or text Josh at school so I waited the tortuous 8 hours before he'd be home. We hadn't told anyone in both of our families that we had been trying to have a baby. We wanted to keep it a secret so if it happened it would be a surprise to everyone. Because I was stubborn and dumb I suffered alone. Josh came home from school to find his once pregnant wife crying on the couch. Eyes puffy and red. Tissues everywhere. I told him what happened. We both weren't quite sure how to react. Like I said, we were young. I never healed from the pain I felt. I continued to ask God why. WHY? Why would He allow this to happen to me? To let me go through all this pain. I thought He loved me? He did. I just didn't know it, yet.

Fast forward two months.......

Im pregnant, again. Im shocked. Im pregnant again that fast, that quickly?! I cried. I was happy, but even more nervous and cautious this time around. Was it for real this time? Would we have a healthy baby in 9 months? I told Josh. He smiled and seemed happy. I couldn't quite tell. I remember praying to my Heavenly Father, BEGGING Him to let me keep this baby. I would do ANYTHING for Him. One night, 3 weeks later (I'm now 7 weeks again), Josh and I are sitting on the couch laughing and talking lighting. Suddenly I feel the same wet sensation. Could it be? Could this be happening again? I knew in my heart before I looked down that I was in fact having my second miscarriage. I stopped talking, looked at Josh, and ran to the bathroom. I started crying, hysterically. Josh knew what was going on. He left me alone. Not quite sure what to do or say. Once again I laid there alone, very alone. Feeling that God has abandoned me. Why is he doing this to me? Why is He not allowing me to have the ONE thing I want and that He has asked of me to do. Create beings in His image. Our families still had no clue we had been trying or that I now had gone through two miscarriages. One month later Josh is accepted into A.T. Still University's medical school in Arizona. Three weeks later we pack up our little bit of belongings and head down south.

Fast forward three months......

Im late, again. No, not late to work, or church, my period. I waited and waited to take a test. I was too nervous that I WOULD be pregnant. I didn't want to know. With much encouragement from two of my close friends and co-workers I took a test. Positive. This time there were no smiles, no tears. Just an overwhelming sense of fear and premeditated heartbreak. Thats three pregnancies in less than a year. Why was I being continually tormented? I was just going to lose this baby too, right? I went about my day(s) normal as if I wasn't pregnant (no I didn't drink or smoke.....I'm 'Mormon' remember?). I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to get attached or make that motherly connection with this heavenly miracle growing inside of me. The dreaded week 7 approaches. I wait and wait. Is it going to happen? Week 7 passes. Okay is God playing around with me? 'If I'm going to miscarry just do it already!' - I yelled to Him. I couldn't believe the anger I still had towards God. I knew He loved me and I loved Him. I would do anything for Him and Him for I. Was I always going to have an overwhelmingly- insensitive bitterness towards Him? I wasn't ready to figure that out yet. Selfish is me. Week 8 arrives. Still pregnant. The weeks continue.....9, 10, 11, 12. Josh and I decide to tell our families about news. Christmas Day of 07' we tell Josh's side. The next day (December, 26th) we let my family know. Everyone is so excited, obscured to them of the agony we've been through. Week 13 arrives. I begin to tell myself that this really could be. I start believing it. Maybe. Week 14 I finally have my first doctors appointment. Due to the fact that this was my very first appointment with him, he does the full monty. He does blood work, a pap smear (oye, I hate those things), then checks out the boobs - they were good (and still perky back then). Next he pulls out this strange looking walky-talky thing with a mini microphone attached to it. "Now we're going to listen to the babies heartbeat". I hold my breath. Close my eyes. Will it be there? Will I hear it?

Thud-dud, thud-dud, thud-dud.... 

I hear you baby. You have a strong heartbeat. Just like your daddy. I begin breathing again. Next an ultrasound. Wait. I get to SEE my baby? He takes me back to another room. Josh takes my hand. He turns on the ultrasound machine and places that wand on my stomach. There she is. She's beautiful. Alive. Healthy. Of course we don't know she's a 'she' yet, but she's perfect. Six weeks later we have an ultrasound done to know the sex. "It's a GIRL!" the tech exclaims. A girl......wow. Not only am I having a baby, but Im have a girl. Weeks go by, of course not without trials and a rough pregnancy. Miss 'A' (as we will call her) kept trying to come out early. The L & D knew us by name. I had to go in three times to have my contractions stopped. Once because Miss A was pinching off my ureter (that hurt like hell) and at 34 weeks I was so blessed to get what is called PUPPP's syndrome (click here to read about it's wretchedness). Finally D-Day came. I was being induced because my fluid was extremely low. I was one day off my due date when Miss A arrived. The labor was wonderful, the delivery - not so much. I pushed and pushed and pushed for five, yes FIVE, hours. She was finally delivered via forceps. Out she came, perfect. Crying, but so sweetly and softly. They placed her on my chest. She instantly stopped crying. Her eyes were wide open, looking at me. It was real, she was here, with me, in my arms. Breathing, heart beating, perfect toes, beautiful eyes, tons of jet black hair. She was mine.

Fast forward four and a half years........

Hello, we're here in modern time and going through the same, but different trial. Josh and I have been trying for baby number two for a little over three years now, but this time without any pregnancies. Sometimes I cant help but feel guilty that Im struggling with this. There are many, many others who don't have any children of their own, or who have been trying for longer than we have. What gives me the right to feel like I have it hard? Over the last three years I have been doing a LOT of soul searching. Trying to make it right with my Heavenly Father again. Letting go of my anger altogether. It took me awhile, but I finally reached the point where I realized its not Gods fault, its not my fault, its nobodies 'fault'. This is the plan that God has for me and my family. Why? We each have our own individual plans that God has laid out for us. He knows each of us on a personal note. He knows are needs and wants. He knows our hearts. He's felt our heartaches and cried our tears. He has felt EVERY-SINGLE-POSSIBLE hurt and pain there ever has and ever will be. Once I realized this, I never felt alone. I knew I had at least one person who knew EXACTLY what I was going through, and He was the most important person in my life. My Father in Heaven. Why did He allow us to go through what we did and what we continue to go through? I don't know.......but I do know its for our wellbeing. Because like the love I have for my daughter, He has that same love for me. I try to raise my daughter the way that will bring her closer to her Father in Heaven. I try to let her experience things on her own, so she can learn and hopefully make right choices. She makes mistakes, but learns from them, and they can only help her grow. This is the same thing God is doing to me, to us. He see's my weaknesses and turns them into strengths. He see's my trails and knows that I will be able to bless the lives of others with my experiences.

So here we are. Living day by day. Trying to be better believers and followers of our Savior. What does God have in store for us......

Im afraid you know as best as we do.

All I know is that God has a plan.....for all of us. As simple, but hard as it is.....we need to trust FULLY in Him. If we try our best to live our lives to the utmost way that God wants us to, He will bless us. All He wants us to be is happy....if we let Him.

If you want, I invite you on our journey. Welcome.              


-Darci